I have watched you change today, girl, I have watched the change in you. What you did was the right thing to do, without a doubt. It is good to see you feeling so alive. And it feels good to look into your eyes from the mirror. I am changing.

Hmm. Who is talking about whom, or is someone talking about herself? I, you, we, she,..? Well, I think we have already arrived at the point where the subject of these sentences can be "I", at least for the most part. Of course it will be different when I am referring to some past events or something very general, for clarity's sake, but from now on I am going to start writing about myself.

Today I dyed my hair. The colour is strong and intense, something I had never had before: a screaming red. My hair is long, thick and straight, and the red looks really powerful and makes people turn their heads when I walk by. The difference to my old hair is incredible. The colour had for long been some light, greyish brown, so natural that it made me completely invisible and so plain that it swallowed all the light from my eyes. The neutral look has been with me many times before, at times when I have also been in a way alone, sad, lost, silent, restricted and suffocating. This red hair makes me look the complete opposite, and that is also where I am aiming with my mind and existence.

Somewhere in my past I had an insanely cute black hair. That time I was beautiful, powerful, impulsive, young. People wanted me and wanted to be me. I seemed to know who I was and what I wanted to do. And I did it, too. I succeeded in everything I wanted to succeed in, I was invincible. Another time I had a bold, short, blond hair. That time I was deeply in love with my love, I was romantic and artistic, and I was pretty, pale and eventually very thin. I wore weird clothes and felt that I did not need to be anything else than what I already was. I felt capable and interesting. Even the short, dark brown hair after the blond one was a nice one, at least for a while. I do not remember what happened then, but at some point I became neutral again. The one hiding. The one I had been also before the blond hair, before the summer when my life changed as I fell in love with my love.

Ah, I really should look up some photographs to illustrate these changes! Even if you ignore the hair, you would see the changes in my eyes!

And how are my eyes looking like now? Well, I think I am finding it all again. In addition to the unexpected red in my hair, I have also spent some time listening to the old music (in contrast to listening no music at all, like it has been for a few months now), reading my old writings (painful but fun) and walking outside, alone, for a change. I am still tired and my life is still as messy as it has been for long now, but it cannot be denied that I am waking up. And who knows where it might lead me this time.