The red of my hair is insanely perfect for all this. It is in my eyes - not the red but the magic it lightened up. It all looks like a new transition. This is all witchcraft, I tell you.

All in all, the change has continued during this time I have not been writing about it. I have, for instance, bled for the first time after a year and a half, and it feels good to have my hormones with me again. In a way, I really like it how it all works. I like the feeling of being fertile, I like the way it all makes time go in cycles instead of moving forward in a linear way, towards some kind of "End". Of course there is also a feeling of an end, because all the ache and being conscious of the time reminds me of how after every cycle I am that much older and how, in a way, a possibility to create new life is lost every time it happens, even though it is the possibility itself, that makes me proud of my body. But that is not what I intended to write about today.

I intended to write about sex. Although I am not yet sure how to do it, and to what extend I am willing to share my thoughts about it. But let's just start with stating that sex is also something that comes and goes with me, and her, and us (<-- if this does not make sense, you should read my previous posts to understand what I mean). I mean, there is always some interest to it, but, to be honest, it might get somewhat rare and shallow compared to other times, when everything connected to it is deep, creative and energetic.

I have always liked it. From a very young age I have dreamt about it. When I was a teenager I had, for a while, a boyfriend, whom I at some point kept only because I wanted and needed to have sex regularly, and the sex with him was good enough, even though the boy himself was often really annoying and a true mismatch for me.

After him I met my first love and understood why sex with true feelings is better than some without them. Making love. Yes. He was a sweet boy and I really loved him, but we were very different in erotic sense. He was such a good boy, so careful and gentle,always asking me if he was doing everything right. And I, well, deep inside I wanted something different. A couple of times we talked about it, but we did not really get anywhere with it, which was somewhat frustrating. I wanted to experience and explore, I wanted passion and exhaustion, I wanted everything. It was all so much more important to me. If it had been up to him, I believe we would have done it quite rarely and without much variation. Who knows.

Then there is my love. He is perfect for me in every sense, including this one. Sometimes I feel that I might be a bit too much for even him to handle, but he always suprises me and takes part in my games or lets me play be myself, watching with interest. He seems to understand everything that needs to be understood.

However, when I lack her in me and become grey, I also have a habit of forgetting about sex, at least to some extent. I do not do it much, and I do not miss it, and this had also been the case during great sections of last summer and autumn. Well, it has definitely changed now, which means that I really am returning, finding myself again, waking up, becoming alive. It is probably different for many, but for me this is huge. To me, relationship to sex is a major factor of happiness in life. It cannot be denied that it definitely affects who I am. And sex, if anything, is witchcraft, that will for sure lighten up even more magic than this red of my hair.