I have had some drawbacks. Especially today. I do not mean those drawbacks that steal her away from me and degrade me into something grey and silent, but those that slow me down and make me sad.

Of course I have been tired and depressed before. Exhausted and unable to proceed with anything. But that has usually been the case only because I have slept too little, and I have always acknowledged it. Knowing why I am sad and how it will go away makes depression fairly easy, and even though it has been pretty severe every once in a while, it has also been shallow. As if I was physically ill and knew that after some time I will heal. But now, for the first time, I have had a "God, this is all there is?" -feeling. The feeling, however, is not directly aimed at my own life, but at everyone else as well.

Everything feels so difficult and wrong. As if I was supposed to be something that I am not, that there is something wrong with me and my family and my life even though we are doing fine. As if we were to do and be something else. In a way, I feel that we are really alone but not left alone. No one cares to take care of us or support us (and I do not mean financially), but they still have the guts to annoyingly comment on our way of life, our home and our choices. They recquire us to pay visits and they buy unnecessary things for the little one who they adore, but then again turn their backs when the poor thing's parents would need help, even though it was about their (mental) health.

Criticism. Whatever you do, that is what you get from our relatives. Whatever you try, whatever you think, what ever you choose, whatever you need. I wonder if all this is supposed to be some type of lesson for us for doing something wrong or being wrong, once again...

However, other people, those that make other choices, do not seem to be any happier. Everyone hurries fast with their lives, real fast. No one sees or hears anything important, no one ever smiles. They just follow some kind of lead. Or at least that is what we are supposed to do. Graduate in time, work as much as you can, look good, spend money, have a wedding, a family, a house and a car, work work work and spend spend spend. Hurry hurry, stay healthy, succeed in everything you do and make sure that everyone knows that you have succeedes, be an individual - it is all about you!

Those who do otherwise might acutally have real lives. But it is, of course, somewhat difficult to try to connect, share, slow down and love when you are alone. And especially to start doing that in the middle of a situation where you would already need some help and understanding... Maybe I am living in the wrong country (what a terrible thing to say on the day of independence, woops!).

All in all, the most awful thing that makes me blue is the unhappyness of my love. I have to dedicate an entire post for writing about my love and everything connected to him, but let's just state here that no matter how exhausted, tired and ready to give up I have felt during this time, nothing is more painful than seeing my love feeling as depressed and desperate as he did today.

So today I have been extremely blue. Crying. Being unable to focus or function. Being tired of every single difficulty that I need to face every day, as well as all the pressure, all the worry. Things are not bad, no, but all the small things put together feels too much to handle, especially when I cannot see anything getting easier in the near future - quite the opposite. I really need a break, I really need someone to help me with life, I really need someone to give me time, letting me do all the sickly important things that I should but cannot do on my own, with the little one with me all the time. I need someone to help my love, because at this state of mind I am unable to do it myself. Yes. I shouted at the little one today, and ran from the room in order to prevent myself from pushing him off the couch. Wtf.

Blue lips, blue veins. Blue, the colour of our planet from far, far away.

Blue. The most human colour.